


James and Jill went up the hill

by Laramie



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Friendship, Happy Ending, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, Transgender, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-23 01:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4857392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laramie/pseuds/Laramie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy is transgender. One day, it all gets too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	James and Jill went up the hill

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the genderbend trope for Thommy week trope day.  
> I'm not sure I've entirely followed the usual format of the genderbend trope but, um... sorry? This is just what came out... I suppose it could also come under the coming out trope.
> 
> Warning for mild transphobia (transmisogyny) and misgendering.
> 
> Unrequited Thommy but it’s all happy friendshippy feels, not pining (because love should bring you joy goddammit, even if they love you back in a different way).

Thomas races to the hospital the moment he gets Jimmy's text. Jimmy hasn't told him what's wrong, just that he's in hospital and wants to see Thomas. His heart's in his mouth from the moment the text arrives, but Jimmy won't pick up the phone. Thomas nearly crashes into the side of a silver Corsa in his haste to get across a roundabout. His whole body is shaking uncontrollably. His mind tortures him with ever more terrible explanations for Jimmy being in hospital.

When he reaches Jimmy's bedside, he skids to a halt. The sight of Jimmy with no obvious broken bones or bleeding wounds is such a relief that for a moment he just stares. Internal wounds can be worse, though.

"What happened?"

Jimmy turns his face away and shrugs.

Thomas's chest tightens painfully. "Are you okay?" he tries.

Jimmy just shrugs again, looking distant. He hasn't met Thomas's eyes once. There's an air of defeat around his whole body, a distant scent of death.

It feels as though Thomas's legs have frozen but he manages to bend them, taking the few steps to Jimmy's side. He climbs up next to Jimmy on the bed, and Jimmy lets him, as though this is somehow normal for them (it isn't). Thomas is hesitant, but when he puts his arms around his friend, Jimmy turns into him, pressing his face against Thomas's chest and clinging on around his waist.

"It's all right," Thomas murmurs, when he realises that Jimmy is twitching with stifled sobs. He rubs Jimmy's back, wondering what on earth is the matter with him. He wonders if there has been some terrible accident, in which a friend of Jimmy's was hurt along with him. "It's all right… What's happened?"

"You're gonna hate me," Jimmy whispers, his words muffled in Thomas's jumper and slurred by tears. "I don' wanna lose you."

"You won't lose me, no matter what you've done," Thomas promises. "Just tell me."

"No… ask the doctor… I'll tell 'em you can…"

"Okay… Now?"

Jimmy tightens his grip. "No… no, in a minute."

Thomas tries to soothe Jimmy with touch until his sobs have quietened down and his breathing is almost normal again. Jimmy's face is red and puffy; Thomas gives him a clean tissue before going to find a doctor. After a brief discussion, the doctor returns with him to Jimmy, where Jimmy asks him to tell Thomas what had happened.

"Jimmy's neighbour found him last night," the doctor tells Thomas. "He had taken a deliberate overdose."

Jimmy looks at Thomas, cringing, as Thomas gazes at him, heart breaking for him. He knows Jimmy has been down recently but he never knew… he never guessed…

"Why?" Thomas whispers.

"That's not something he chooses to share with us," the doctor says, which strikes Thomas as rude. "But he'll be given all the support we can offer to help him through this."

The doctor leaves them alone again and Thomas stands awkwardly at the side of Jimmy's bed.

"I wish you'd tell me," Thomas says.

Jimmy avoids his eyes again. "You know what transgender is, right?"

"Yes…" Thomas says, confused.

"Well. Turns out I know pretty well too."

"What are you saying?"

Jimmy closes his eyes, steels himself. "I'm transgender." He watches, fearful, for Thomas's reaction.

"You're… you're trying to tell me you want to be a woman?" Thomas stammers.

"I suppose…"

"But you're always going on about how you're a 'proper man' and all that crap!" Thomas protests.

"I suppose, I was trying to convince myself," Jimmy says, looking nervous. "I thought if I could just get rid of the feminine stuff, I'd feel more like a…" Jimmy breaks off, unable to say the word in connection to himself.

"So you tried to - hurt yourself, because -"

"Because I can't do this any more," Jimmy says. "I can't."

Thomas is blown over, turned on his head by the revelations. "I need some fresh air…" he says vaguely, and walks away before Jimmy can say another word. He doesn't see Jimmy again for days.

* * *

Once upon a time, when their friendship was new, Thomas kissed Jimmy on the lips.

If Jimmy had to choose a moment that started it, it would be that one. Because even while Jimmy was pushing Thomas away and explaining as calmly as possible that it would never happen, the thoughts were overwhelming: _he thinks you're a man, he thinks you're a man, he thinks you're a man_ \- and nothing had ever felt more wrong or disconcerting.

Jimmy has struggled with feeling different for a lifetime, and now finally the reason became clear: Jimmy's transgender. Jimmy's a woman.

Two weeks and countless baby-name websites later, there's a new name to use in secret, private moments: Jill. Jill practices thinking of herself as _she_. She doesn't tell a soul. A year later, the fear, the wrong pronouns, the wrong name, the knowledge of being so unknown by her friends, they all get too much. She lands herself in hospital and is disappointed to wake up.

* * *

Thomas struggles with it for days. He's in love with Jimmy, and if Jimmy wants to be a woman, what does that make Thomas? "Gay" has been a defining word for Thomas for most of his life. It's one way he makes sense of himself. So for Jimmy to tell him  _that_ ; it makes a nonsense of everything Thomas has ever thought.

He finds himself on the internet; it's the most logical place to look for advice.

 **Friend transgender** he searches. The results seem to be aimed at kids. There's nothing about figuring out your own identity.

 **Boyfriend transgender** he types, thinking that since he's in love with Jimmy, it will surely feel the same. Then, hesitantly, he changes it to **partner transgender** _._ He's not sure what would turn up with **boyfriend**.

… _Always remember that your partner is still the same person as they were before - all that has changed is how well you know them…_

… _Your partner has done an incredibly brave thing in disclosing their true gender to you; try to reassure them as best you can…_

… _Your partner may wish to transition physically and socially. This can be a disconcerting experience, but they are only trying to express who they are. Inside, they have not changed…_

… _If you are married and your partner wants to change their legal gender marker, the marriage will have to be dissolved. It can be changed to a civil partnership…_

… _A partner telling you that they are transgender can affect the way you see yourself. If you have always thought of yourself as straight, it can be strange to think that you have fallen for someone who is not the gender you thought they were. In this case, it is important to remember that words like straight are labels, not boxes; they are ways of describing yourself, not of confining yourself._

… _Transition is a journey, not a destination. Some may take hormones, or not, some may wish to have top surgery, Genital Reassignment Surgery ("bottom surgery"), or not, some may take solace in traditional gender stereotypes to make themselves feel safe before working out who they are. It is all a matter of degrees, and your partner working out what makes them feel most themselves…_

Thomas falls asleep with his laptop on his knees and the next morning, he goes to see Jimmy.

* * *

Jill doesn't bother to answer the door when she hears the knock, but it opens anyway, which makes it one of two people: her neighbour Ivy, or Thomas, both of whom have keys. She thinks it will be Ivy, seeing as Thomas ran off the other day, and pulls her blanket over her head. Ivy has come round a couple of times since she found her lying on the floor, bringing sandwiches and pastries and thermos flasks of tea.

It's not Ivy. Ivy would not stand silently in Jill's bedroom like this. Jill pulls the blanket off her head to see Thomas looking at her; he looks sad, or ashamed, maybe. Jill holds the duvet under her chin, her body hidden under its shield.

"I'm sorry I ran off," Thomas says quietly.

Jill shrugs. She can't bear to hear the sound of her own deep voice just now, and she doesn't know what to say anyway.

"I was just thinking, I've known this person for so long and suddenly he tells me he's something else."

Jill grimaces and turns her face away, wishing she had the courage to correct him.

Thomas seems to pick up on her reaction, because he says: "You don't like that?"

Jill shakes her head and reaches for her phone on the bedside table. It's low on battery but she manages to type: "I don't want to speak just now. My voice isn't right. I'm not he. I'm she." She hands the phone over to Thomas, who reads it slowly.

His gaze returns to her face. "She…" he says quietly. They look at each other in silence. Thomas offers a tiny smile.

Jill blinks at him, hardly daring to believe that he might be accepting her.

Nodding once, Thomas says: "I can't promise to be great at it, but I'll try."

At that point, all Jill wants is a hug; she reaches out her arms for Thomas. He understands immediately, toes off his shoes and climbs into the bed next to her. Jill puts her arms around him, feeling his arms come around her in turn, and leans her cheek against his chest. For a long time, she just holds him, taking comfort in his touch.

"I love you, you know," Thomas says, stroking her hair.

Jill just holds him tighter by way of answer.

* * *

Thomas can hardly believe the change that comes over Jimmy's - Jill's - mood as she goes to a gender therapist, starts antidepressants, makes the first tentative steps of transition. He - she - is so much happier, more confident, more playful, though she has moments of utter terror at people's reactions too.

Thomas thought his attraction would fade as Jill began to change… _her_ appearance. He expected every alteration to take her further away from the person Thomas knew; but it doesn't happen like that. Instead, he watches Jimmy begin to glow, becoming more the person he - she - always was. Thomas starts furtively looking up words like **bisexual** , because every time Jill says something like: "Thomas, I've got _curves_ ," with that giddy look on her face, Thomas just finds himself loving her more.

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to stress that Thomas's actions and wording are not a perfect example to model yourself on. He is at least supportive in the end, but he gets a lot wrong along the way. We can only hope that he continues to educate himself, as we all must.


End file.
